Dear readers,

Complimenting people seems like it’s harder than ever.

The other day I complimented a woman on her sweater. She’s in her 40s or 50s. We’ve met before. I saw her at a reception with her husband. Her sweater looked warm but not heavy to wear. Lots of colors. She smiled. It seemed genuine. She told me where she got it. I smiled.

I can count all the ways that this interaction felt safe by 2022 standards. A comment on someone’s clothes is okay, but I wouldn’t comment on her body. Etc.

Because compliments feel good I’ve been bummed that they are difficult. I’ve been looking for a better way.

Here’s something I’ve been trying and I like how it feels so far. Let me know what you think.

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I’ve been telling people I appreciate them by sharing with them how they make me feel. Examples:

“I feel so encouraged every time I talk with you.”
“When I come in the office and see you there, I feel that all is right with the world.”
“The way you’re showing up today makes me feel brighter inside.”

I haven’t used that third example yet. Not sure about it. How would it make you feel?

My hope is that compliments/appreciations delivered like this are:

Nonviolent. I’m sharing about my experience, not telling you about yours. (Don’t do: “You’re so athletic looking. Do you work out?”)
Holistic. I’m not isolating one feature of your being to call attention to. (Don’t do: “You have a beautiful smile.”)
Easy to elaborate on if the person invites it, or easy to ignore if they choose.

Is this useful?

Try it, and tell me what you think!

Readers, I’m in a bind. I don’t want to intrude on your busy life but I need direction. Should I write more posts like this?

If you had any reaction to this post—useful? Interesting? Disagreeable? I would love to hear it in the comments. If you read this far, please like the post and share it.

With appreciation,

Tristan

Quill Nook Farm
Halifax, Vermont

P.S. I want to clarify something. What I’ve described above is a new emphasis for me. It might not be new to you at all. What works for you with expressing gratitude and appreciation? I’d love to hear.

Roberts' Green Letter

#22: Trying a new way of complimenting people