Dear readers,

Complimenting people seems like it’s harder than ever.

The other day I complimented a woman on her sweater. She’s in her 40s or 50s. We’ve met before. I saw her at a reception with her husband. Her sweater looked warm but not heavy to wear. Lots of colors. She smiled. It seemed genuine. She told me where she got it. I smiled.

I can count all the ways that this interaction felt safe by 2022 standards. A comment on someone’s clothes is okay, but I wouldn’t comment on her body. Etc.

Because compliments feel good I’ve been bummed that they are difficult. I’ve been looking for a better way.

Here’s something I’ve been trying and I like how it feels so far. Let me know what you think.

I’ve been telling people I appreciate them by sharing with them how they make me feel. Examples:

• “I feel so encouraged every time I talk with you.”

• “When I come in the office and see you there, I feel that all is right with the world.”

• “The way you’re showing up today makes me feel brighter inside.”

I haven’t used that third example yet. Not sure about it. How would it make you feel?

My hope is that compliments/appreciations delivered like this are:

• Nonviolent. I’m sharing about my experience, not telling you about yours. (Don’t do: “You’re so athletic looking. Do you work out?”)

• Holistic. I’m not isolating one feature of your being to call attention to. (Don’t do: “You have a beautiful smile.”)

• Easy to elaborate on if the person invites it, or easy to ignore if they choose.

Is this useful?

Try it, and tell me what you think!

Readers, I’m in a bind. I don’t want to intrude on your busy life but I need direction. Should I write more posts like this?

If you had any reaction to this post—useful? Interesting? Disagreeable? I would love to hear it in the comments. If you read this far, please like the post and share it.

With appreciation,

Tristan

Quill Nook Farm
Halifax, Vermont

P.S. I want to clarify something. What I’ve described above is a new emphasis for me. It might not be new to you at all. What works for you with expressing gratitude and appreciation? I’d love to hear.